may mas sasaya pa pala

ok..we bid goodbye to november and said hello and soon byebye to december. And i just wanna share..↲Masayang masayang masaya. I never really thought life can be a lot better and happier. I realized a lot of things dhl s mga ngyari. Things became so loomy nung umpisa pero little by little, umaayos na. This is what i want. And i will never ever regret doing there things dhl alam kong ndi aq NAGPAPAKAPLASTIK. I decided to go out and see the real world, as a real person. It may be too dangerous out here,too complicated,but this is where i belong,not anywhere else. Hndi s harap ng mapagpanggap na ngiti at kabanalan,na pag talikod at pag magisa na lang saka lumalabas ang kalokohan. I belong to this place,where i know who my friends are, where i know when to give up,where i learned to forget and be in love again,where people take care of me ng wlng sumbatan,where people let me see my worth. I belong here..and this is where i want to stay...

say cheese!!

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have"
-Frederick Keonig

Haaay..it was a great weekend.

Happy, that's what I feel. Walang halong kaplastikan. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends (one thing I missed just because of...hmp)and I realized that it is the best way to forget (at effective po siya mind you).

I never really imagined that reaching this level of happiness is so easy. I learned that there are so many things I should be grateful for..

* my very cute and witty son who will always be my inspiration. My little boy. The only reason why I'm holding on. Just enjoy being a kid son, just enjoy it..*mwa*
* my friends of course na sinasabayan ang kaadikan ko. Haha. You guys rock!!
* my Tita, who never really left me kahit na hindi ako nakakabisita ng madalas
* Nathan and Besh..haha uyy special mention.

These are just a few of what I should be thankful for. When we realize how blessed we are, for sure, we will certainly be happier. Yun din ang paniniwala ni Frederick Keonig (na hindi ko nmn talaga ka close). Hehe.

ok, so that's it for now..mpre to come. *wink*

A new me..

Now what?..

Life is sweet after all..yan yung narealize ko after ng delubyo (wow..san ko naman napulot yon??) haha..Anyway, I've never been this happy before. Yung tipong habang nagta type ako eh naka smile talaga ako. One of the changes I'd like to make nga pala is to start blogging in taglish..Hehe, there are things kasi na mas naeexplain ko pag taglish kesa mag english ako (na minsan nakakatuyo ng matris) haha..

Alright, so let me start this appearance by thanking these people for bringing out the "new me"..

Denah - wala akong masabi. Thank you for giving me your heart and ears sa lahat ng oras. Masaya man o malungkot.

Ice - mare, thank you thank you so much for being so sweet kahit na the tie that connects us is not that long pa. We'll get there db?

Quio - pare! right from the very first day we started working together, I know I can rely on you. Thanks for being there to listen, for letting me realize things that are so simple yet so hard to understand. For being so dear na parang nakakaloko minsan.

Dale - mother!! kapatid..haha..I know how much you care for me. I also know how much you want to kill someone because of the heart aches "that someone" gave to me. That day inside the bathroom will always be a part of our sweet friendship. Thank you.

Benz - haay. The moment you said I'm one of your best girl friends..nangilabot ako..haha. serious, you never know how grateful I am to be one of your best friends. You also proved to me that behind those nasty words is a man (?) you can always count on. A man (??) who welcomes anyone in his (?) house whether it's an enemy or another man (??) haha. Salaat baks sa pagiging bestfriend.. =)

SYNOVATE FAMILY - for everything. Yun na yon.


Essie - thanks for the pic..again..haha. thank you dahil despite the busy scheds, you're always a text away. Kahit na madami akong utang na memories sau, you were there to be a friend.

Babin, Enil, Joey, Ichu na din and Nhel na din - I know naman na lagi kayong nanjan..anytime, wala lang siguro tayong time. Thank you for keeping the friendship alive..

Nathan - thanks for making me feel so special. I'll always remember that you are the one who made me see my worth. That I deserve more than what I'm asking for. That someone will always see things for me. For everything we did together (hmmm..ano kaya yun??). Where were you all along kasi?? Haha..

and higit sa lahat, to Besh..you are the reason why I've reached this far. You showed me na kahit na lalake marunong malungkot. Masaktan. You made me stronger (not by breaking my heart) but by showing me how strong you were during those times. I never really thought na ganun ka kasweet. You also made me realize my worth in a different way. Having you and my bestfriend will always make me remember lots of things. At sa mga babaeng umaaligid sau (haha) good luck sa knila. Hindi mo sila papansinin. haha. I know you are happy Besh and that's because may mga tao kang nainspire at natulungan mag move on..at isa ako dun.

Kung may mga nalimutan ako, yun ay dahl inaantok na ako..Hehe.

Anyway, till next time..watch out for more of my happy thoughts..

Isang basura. Isang tira tira.

I told you, I'll get back to this page to tell the whole story..so here I am.

I'm not telling the whole story by the way. I just want to share how I feel.

My instinct never failed me. For the third time, my instinct revealed the same fuckin' painful truth to me and their stupidity justified my doubt. My heart was filled with rage, hatred and anger. Why did it take me a very long time to realize how stupid I was to believe in second chances. I was fooled by the same person over and over and over and yet I stayed because of this so-called love (love my ass freak!!). Well, I was so wrong to think I could ever keep him. To try to make a better man out of him. Oh well, that's everything he can offer. He can't be any better than that. Maybe it's time for me to stop turning him into a man he can't really be. He's hopeless.

This one's for you.

You never realize how important you are to me. You never know how excited I am to go home just to be with you. I tried to understand your ups and downs because I know how much I love you. Fine I am a brat sometimes, fine I usually do and say things that cause us trouble. Still you don't have the freakin' rights to do this to me.

Numb. That's what I am. I can't realy imagine why you are doing this to me. Do you feel better about yourself when you cheat on me. Does it feed your fantasy of being a macho guy? I tried to work things out with you. I gave you more than what was fair. I forced myself to embrace all the painful things you and that stupid slut did to me. I gave you all he chances to be a better man. Chances that more than your cheating ass ever deserved. I believed in you when you said everything's gonna be fine. I believed in you when you promise to stay and leave that bitch alone. But you lied. You fuc*in lied. What a big fat liar you are.

Too bad you were so stupid to let her call you at home. Too bad she was sooo stupid to answer the phone and confirm your shit. Proud maybe of the shit you two are doing. What's so funny is you still have the nerves to say you are not doing anything wrong. Damn. Do you think I'm so fuc*in clueless to believe that you didn't go behind my back and do stupid things with that whore? Do you think I am stupid like her? man, having sex with that so-so is the biggest mistake you ever did inside this relationSHIT and pursuing any ways to get in touch with her is the craziest. So you think having a little hi and hello with that dumb a-hole who once threaten our marriage is oh-so-fine? To gve that ugly witch a call once in a while just to talk about anything is cool?? You think that will help us rebuild our family?? You think that will make me feel fine?? You love giving me those lies just to defend your freakin' self and to protect your dumb fu*k buddy. You have to think twice man, cause you are so fu*kin losing us just because you don't want to let that worthless piece of shit go (oh, yu just lost us nga pala).

Let's try to turn things around. I'll cheat on you, have sex with another guy (I'll make sure he's way beyond better than you by the way)and keep constant communication with him, how would you feel?? Will it be oh-so-fine to you if he calls me at night to ask me where I am? Will it be cool if he asks me to call him while you were sleeping right beside me? I'll kill myself if you'd say YES!!

Now what? to save your freakin' ass from taking all the blame, you started to question my personality. You tried to accuse me of not being a perfect wife for you. Of not doing EVERYTHING just to make this family whole. To probably let me feel I deserve whatever you two did. No matter how you look at it, CHEATING is FOUL. It's a SIN. You can't do any crazy and stupid things like that to a person who accepted all your flaws, to a person you promised to love, cherish and protect (fu*k those wedding vows, fu*k that bitch and fu*k you!!!).

I can't really imagine that behind our laughters, behind our good times together, behind those special times we spent with our son, behind all those things that happened between us ar all LIES, all STUPID LIES!!! How much more superficial this family can be??

You think you're better off with that stupid whore? You think you will have a perfect time spending with a LEFT-OVER?? She who slept with 5 different men? A bitch who doesn't really care about your son? A home-wrecker? A slut whose level is a thousand lower than mine? (ok, I'm not that pretty I know, but hey, I know I'm not dumb.) A blood sucker who thinks I am no match for her because you're running after her and can't resist her funny charm?? You think I feel oh so bad and badly hit because you want her more than you want me? You think that just having a fantastic sex is the most important thing? Think again pervert. Think again.. I will never ever take my son for granted just for a stupid guy.

I'm done. It's all over. I gave you too many chances. Chances you keep on abusing. I gave you too much of what you don't deserve. Go nuts and spend your fuc*in time with that whore. Don't ever expect me to run after you. Martyr no more baby, martyr no more. You will not come back to me. I will not have you. I will never ever beg for you to come back. I don't need a loser in my life. All I care about is my son. OUR son who is being abused by your bitch. OUR son whose happiness was taken away by a sloppy bitch. May the happiness be yours while you and your stinky playmate are eating your own shits. I am free from this misery. At least I can face my son without guilt, without any sense of regret. Shameless. Just a final laugh. Karma is coming to get you. You'll pay. Both of you will pay.

And to you, you stupid bitch..YOU ARE SO PATHETIC..that's all.

Hasta la proxima vest..I'd love to see you both in hell by the way..fuc*ers!!

numb..

I am back..and that's because I feel bad and I can't find the right person to share this with..

So, though I am tired and still need to wake up early for tomorrow's shift plus my back is aching again plus the light in this room is 'still' busted plus I am having trouble seeing the letters on the keyboard, I still forced my self (and my eyes and fingers) to start typing.

I don't know, I just don't know why I feel this way. I know it's not so nice if I forget things I should remember. But it's really really bad when I remember things I'dather forget. Talk about self torture. Heck. I feel so bad about the past especially if things around me only bring them back.

But by the way, my last entry was on August. So I think I have to give some updates..

SEPTEMBER I turned 25, I got a new phone from marrk (thanks)
OCTOBER my son turned 2 and we made sure we pay back for the uncelebrated 1st birthday. So we decided to throw a pirate themed party for him at Fun Ranch Tiendesitas. It was a blast. Spent too much but hey, my son deseved to have a party like that..I will try to post some pixies to share with you guys (as if someone's reading my page..nyaha)

and comes NOVEMBER..

and going back to my drama..

I hope it'll be over...I just hope everything will be ok..

hay wait, my back is aching reaaallly bad...I have to stop and get some sleep..i still have 5 hours..great..

till next time. maybe by then I can explain what I really wanted to share...

Ciao!
I'm really having a hard time typing na ksi e..crap this unlighted room..hmpf!

Haay..

"may babae si joseph..nahuli ko sila.."

I received this text message from my sister this morning. I didn't know what to say. Nakakainis. I tried hard to push the negative thoughts away. Another cheater. Another broken heart. Another crying wowan because of marital unfaithfulness. I have heard (and seen) so many issues about infidelity. Minsan nakakatrauma na.

*my uncle left my aunt for another woman because she can't give him a baby
*my cousin cheated on his wife who was working abroad because he got so "lonely"
*a friend almost committed suicide after discovering her husband being unfaithful to her
*someone is dating another man because her bf can't give her what she needs (emotionally and financially)
*this girl flirts with her officemate just for the heck of it
*this guy sleeps with another girl whenever he can.

Cheaters. Cheaters. Cheaters.

What the f*ck is wrong with these people? Ano bang nangyayari sa mga tao?

Do they cheat because they have the chance and opportunity? Or para wala lang? Do they cheat because they are unhappy with their partners? or bored sa relationship kaya naghahanap ng "fun"? To get emotinal fulfillment? or sexual satisfaction? Do they think cheating will help them feed their self-esteem? Feeling macho/ganda pag may kabit?

Cheating is fun, fine. But if they become so attached to the person they are flirting with, it starts to be so addictive that they can't let go anymore. What makes it more fun is the thrill (and danger) of getting caught. Alright, fine, minsan ang pagkukulang na din ng mga asawa/bf/gf nla ang reason that pushes them to cheat. But still choice pa din nila kung manloloko sila diba? Besides if they really love their partners, they won't do anything to hurt them right? When will they come to realize the pain they bring when they cheat? Do they know that these people have to deal with so much pain and misery when they do something stupid like that?

Whatever it may be, there are no acceptable reasons to cheat while other partner is being left in the dark, deceived and tormented. Mga ganyang tao, wlang backbone!!

To you ate, it's up to you whether to give this man a chance. If you do, you're taking the risk of being fooled again. But if you don't, you might be missing the chance of making your family whole again (malay mo, magbago na siya..i hope) . Just be wise in making big decisions like this. Be strong and take care of your self and the kids.

I need to unwind. Nakakairita na to.

Ciao!

survey na nakakairita

Name?
- Khiara
Age?
- 24 going 25
What would you do if a spider jumped at you and stole ur wallet?
- huh, that's so irrelevant? why my wallet?
What would you do if you found out that you were adopted?
- ooh, that'd be fun! the adventure of finding my biological family..wow!
What would you Do if rudolph the red nosed reigndeer showed up in ur yard?
- ask him what the F is he doing in my yard!!
do you like eggs?
- huh? a..yeah? what happened to Rudolph?
how do you like ur eggs?
- sunny side up with the "sunny" well done!
wud u like to put pepper on ur eggs?
- absolutely!
why?
- why not? haha!
that's nice....anyways...do you like cheese?
- not really..
what if the cheese you were eating turned into a monkey butt?
- crazy imagination huh?
would that disturb you?
- you mean the monkey butt? oh you freak!
why?
- again..why not?
so when are you going to visit your fairy god mother?
- ok, this survey's driving me crazy..maybe that question should be, when's my FGM going to visit me ayt?
are you sure?
- yes, because i don't even know if I have one..you freak!
so do you like potatoes?
- fries yes..(labo nmn nito)
what kinda potaoes?
- potato fries (that's it)
maybe u'd like ur potatoes with some mayonaise?
- mayochup!
so what would you do if a penguin ate all your potatoes?
- i don't think penguins EAT potatoes..
would you kick it?
- why would I?
you better not have said yes..
- I DID NOT SAY YES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!
do you agree that penguins are AWESOME!!!?
- I'm not gonna answer this..
and so are monkey right?
- yeah, monkeys like you are so nice, so nice to kill, you dirty rotten ape!
anyways...so how would you feel if you were molested by Micheal Jackson?
- what the?!
why would you feel that way?
- that way what?
are you sure?
- sure of what? oh come on...
ok then..what do you do when the aliens come to suck out your brain?
- haha, gud luck to them..they'll have a hard time looking for it..
so what do you think of britany spears?
- you mean BrITney Spears?
do you like to dance in the rain with a bikini on?
- I don't wear bikinis..rain or shine
i bet you do...
- you lose!!
do you also like to eat ham smothered in hot and spicy cow fetuses?
- did you say FE-TU-SES?
so what would you say if a stranger came up to you and grabbed your ass?
- next question please!
would this upset you?
- what ja think?
why?
- why what?
i see...so how do you feel about chicken?
- chicken?
what would you do if you found an elf in your bed at night?
- that's so nice..I'll talk to that elf and offer him a cup of coffee
YOU WOULD MOLEST IT WOULDN'T YOU!!!???
- what the??!!! are you serious?
com'on..don't lie
- i just wasted my time answering this..
it's over...
- it must be..stupid!

someone's loss

I'm back. After 2 very tiring and stressful weeks, I can finally make my appearance here.

Few weeks ago, Ichu brought a very painful news to me. Our Popsie passed away. I was so surprised. I became numb and felt devastated. It took 15 minutes or so before it finally sank in.

I opened my phone to send Essie (Popsie's daughter, a close friend and a sister to us) a text message to make sure she's fine. I know how weak she can become when it comes to her family. But I don't know what to say. I can't even convince myself that's everything's gonna be fine. Crap! why was it so hard to say something to make someone feel better about their loved one's death? I just told her that I was sorry and that I am sending my hugs and kisses to her and Momsie. Reminded her to be strong.

I went to tha wake the next day. I first saw Momsie sitting across Popsie's coffin. I gave her a comforting hug to help her ease the pain. Then I went in to see Essie. It was so nice to see her wearing that smile cos I know she was fine. Enil (my bestfriend) and Besh (her bf) were also there. Then Joey, Ichu and Nards came in. It was like a reunion. A kind of reunion nobody wants to attend to.

Then I realized, I won't let something like this happen again for us to stay connected and constantly see each other. I promised my self to give enough time for our friendship.

I am still trying to recover from that pain when Nhel (another close friend) sent a message telling about Kuya Lawrence's (brother of Babin, who's also my bestfy) death. I once again felt devastated. Another heartache, another struggle. I went through the same emotions.

I never questioned HIM about death. For me, death is just a part of our lives. The last stage we need to complete for us to see the totality of our existence.

The question is, how soon will it be?

Patience? What's that?!

Again?! How many times do I have to be upset for you to stop doing things that annoy me? How many times do I have to remind you about the things we need to do for us not to fight? I don't want to be a monster just to make this work for us. I'm trying hard to be calm and laidback but things keep going crazy and nasty because we are so inconsiderate and careless. For once, can we atleast try to be sensitive? Enough to see what's happening around us? You're not selfish, I know that and you're definitely not a child anymore. You understand the consequences of everything you do. But sometimes you tend to do things without considering other people. I don't wanna put all the blame on you. I have my own faults too. I also make mistakes. The only differece is that I make sure I learn from them. I try not to commit the same mistakes cause I know how it's gonna be if I do it again. We argue over the same matters. Aren't you getting tired of these? Cause I am. I'm tired of fixing things for them to work better. I'm tired of letting you do this to me. Whatever's left of my patience is running out so fast. We can't be like this forever. I'm getting so fu*king frustrated.

I am.

random thoughts

* i so love shura, the character from soul calibur
* i really really hate my boss..just because I'm practical doesn't mean I'm lazy no!
* i love my friends (...)
* i miss adrielle
* i want something salty (like potato chips!)

that's it for now..hasta la proxima vest!

Thinking

I'm running out of..

1. Energy- tired and underpaid..geez!
2. Patience- what's taking it so effing looongg?!
3. Reasons- why do I have to work this hard anyway? As if somebody cares.
4. Motivation- I'm just holding on because of my friends who aro oh so funny. Plus the belief the that I am not a quitter.
5. Hope- insensitivity + negligence = disappointment

I have lots of..

1. Things to do- which will eventually make my energy drop to -x ft. below sea-level.
2. Laughters- thanks to my friends. =)
3. Plans- business? check! out-of-town? check! VLs? check! wicked plans? double check! Hahaha! (insert devilish laugh here..)
4. Expectations- which are still expectations.
5. Faith- that will never be gone.

Ok, while I'm writing this, I feel so sick and my back aches really bad. I can hear my self shouting for rest and sick leave. I'm planning to use 2 or 3 of my VLs but I can see things piling up on me once I get back to work. So dismiss that makhi. I also have to attend this training-for-the-trainers thing that I can't afford to ignore. One of the agents started on me again with his controversial attitude problem which an additional burden. I just hate him. I'd rather work with a demotivated person than handle someone like him. I just hate him. He thinks I'm a bitch, sure I am. I don't like him. That's all I know.

Sometimes, I can't help to ask the one up there why I have to go through all this and I just heard him reminding me not to question his will and that just shut me up.

Maybe I should be thankful because these trials and hardships actually made me stronger. I was never this brave to face the demands of life. To welcome all the challenges with open arms. Haha, very splendid (geez, does someone actually use that word?haha!)

Anyway, we're up to something really really great. Can't wait to start ahead.

That's all for now. Hasta la proxima vest.

Now, I am challenging myself to see how far I can go. If this determination and the willingness will take me somewhere. What would happen if I give my full trust to you, you who once betrayed me. You who once controled my life. What will I get if I start believing in you who's good at lying. If I keep my eyes shut and zip my mouth, will you notice my silence? Will you be so curious enough to ask why I'm not opening my eyes? If I stop hating myself and give this heart a chance to be free from hatred and vengeance, will you stop giving pain and sadness? If I stop asking for things you can't do and just embrace that you've got nothing more than that, will you start to appreciate me for what I am? If I promise to take care of myself, are you going to take care of me as well. If I stop treating you like a prince, will you learn how to do things without my help? Let's see.

I just hope you can do these things while I'm still here. Cos when I'm gone, I'm not gonna try to find my way back to you.

rainy days are over..perhaps

I hate rainy days. They only make me feel bored and lazy and sleepy.
Today, the sky finally stopped crying. Welcome back sunshine! So there..

Got a lot of things to do, so little time I have. Things kept piling up on me as if I am a workaholic-superwoman (..) oh and I almost forgot, i have some important things to do..enough with this entry..

ciao!

13

Ok. So I'm wearing a skirt and a nice top and the least thing I wanna happen just happened. I don't know who's to blame, I'm on my way to work and I was just walking *trust me I was, ok I was kinda walking-running* and two seconds later I was kissing the ground. Literally kissing the ground. How's that for SHAME and HUMILIATION. One second later I was able to be on my feet and started picking up the shattered pieces of my pride. STUPID was written all over my face. Ok, so much for interruption, I went ahead as if nothing happened. The pain of embarrassment was greater than the wound. Oh crap. I got an ugly wound on my left knee. I tried to tolerate the double pain and pretend that everything's ok until I felt something's coming out from the wound *not a carabao thank god* but blood. Oh great! I panicked and I mean really panicked. I can't stand the sight of blood,even my own blood. Anyway, I was able to get inside the office though I felt so devastated, thinking why the world hate me today. I immediately asked our guard if our nurse is in. Great! altleast it's not really bad after all. So I went to the clinic and asked for band-aids. I heard the word that made everything fall into pieces again. NO. N-O. Why in the name of an ugly wound didn't this clinic have a band-aid???!!!! But we have some cottons and alcohol. Ok, drink the alcohol and eat the cotton you monster!!!. I don't like those things touching my precious wound.

I stepped out from that creepy room just before the nurse pour the alcohol all over me. God why me? Why do I have to experience this??!!

Then I saw the calendar and got my eyes focused on that gigantic number.

It's July 13.

13. Crap.

What the-?!

*My name

Small an dark. It was a surprise to know that a certain site already provided the meaning of my name. Well atleast it would be lot easier for me to answer when somebody asks what my name means. Small and dark is way shorter than saying that it was the name of an Italian leader of the Focolare Movement for Virgin Mary (whew). I'm just wondering why my name is always associated with dark. I remember hearing someone pronounced it as KIRARA. Didn't see that TV series (as they said) but they were talking about this dark skinned, curly hair little girl with lots of issues with her life. So I always have to correct them with their "bad pronounciation" and I mean A.L.W.A.Y.S. My name is K-H-I-A-R-A. Small? yes. Dark? kinda. With dark side? Definitely.

I'm so...

Ok. Check this out.


Am I asking for too much
for you to close your fist
do i have to be on my knees
or shed a lot of tears

I'm only asking for some care
and for you to see my worth
is it too much for you to give
these things I'm asking for

i need some of your attention
just ask me if I'm okay
a hug, a kiss is not too much
just to complete my day

why can't you wipe away my tears
when I'm hurt or when I cry
is it too much for me to ask
if I want you by my side

wrap me in your arms
when I'm cold or I feel scared
stand by me or just stay close
when I need you to be there

shower me with compliments
when I'm wearing a nice new dress
or just show that you are proud
when I'm giving all the best

tap me on my back
when I did something great
just pretend that you didn't see
the stupid mistakes I make

am I asking for too much?
Tell me so I know
cos if it's really hard for you to do
I'm willing to let you go..

Whatjathink? Sounds KSP to me (You, who wrote this, just in case you're reading my blog. I'm sorry but I really have to say that.) But hey, I abso-bloody-lutely become KSP when I think I'm not getting enough attention.

So there, I'm KSP too. It's not really too much to ask for something you deserve. You work all day, you deserve to rest. You feel sleepy, you have the right to sleep. See? That's what I'm trying to say.

So anyway..can't get over this poem.. and I think I know who wrote this..hohum!

Why Am I Happy? Why not?

I'm happy because..
1. I'm wearing a nice top today.
2. Everyone noticed the nice top I'm wearing =P
3. I had enough sleep.
4. My back is aching no more (since yesternight)
5. My boss is sooo friendly..and it bugs me.
6. I found the simpliest, easiest, fastest, most effective way to do these reports without sweating too much (talk about PRACTICALITY)
7. I simply kicked someone's ass today and it felt sooo good.
8. I love that look. So pathetic (lalala)
9. Learned another italian word today: RAVIOLI (wanna check it out?)
10. I was able to grab a quick bite of choco chips (yummilicious!)

Why I'm not happy?
1. Because my back starts to ache again (friggin' reports!)
2. Still not getting any word from that super-insensitive-freaking-rodent (yes that's you boomerang!)
3. The weather is just like me, very confusing.
4. I wanna go home. I just can't.
5. December is still a looong run.
6. My ever-loyal, fabulous, superb, priceless pen is missing (where the heck is it?!)
7. The person who last borrowed my ever-loyal, fabulous, superb, priceless pen is also missing (hmmm)
8. I don't have any other pen to use (that has the same quality)
9. I'm writing non-sense here.
10. I just can't think of anything to write on this number.

Signing off.
See ya!

You. Yes you.

I worked so hard to earn this position. I presented all the evidence that I deserve this title. I am eager to put a positive impression just to show you that I can do the job perfectly. But just because you know I am flexible and I learn things easily doesn't mean you can have me do anything you want me to do, anytime, anywhere, in any way whatsoever. You can't turn me into a slave just because I'm more than super ready to give a hand.

I am JUST there to help. To make things work easier for you. To lessen your load. I did and keep on doing everything because I can physically and mentally help. But you forgot, oh no, you intentionally didn't even say thank you. Did you even realize my worth? No. Did you even see any difference when I'm not around? No. Did you even appreciate all the effort and feel the actual pain you're giving me? Hell no! Na-a. Negative.

If I only saw this coming, I could have been more stiff. I should have not aspire to be more than what I am. I could have been a sloth little bitch who goes in and out without saying hi to you. But that's just not me. I don't want people to underestimate me. I don't even wanna see them looking down on me thinking that is all that I've got. I am born to move mountains (yeah dude! for real) I am so used to atleast trying to go beyond what is expected. The least thing I wanna do is to kiss somebody's ass just to recognize me. Just so you know, I am not a robot. I get tired too. I also limit myself according to what I can and cannot do. Do you realize that? No. I don't think you understand the word 'human' at all.

I know, as a line trainer, I should expect stress at this level. I have additional responsibility more than what I used to have. I'm not complaining about that. I am embracing that reality. I just want you to open your teeny-weeny gory eyes and check if I am still okay. I just want you to see my worth. I just want you to stop abusing my silence.

Why can't I say this to you? Because it's all under your nose you freaking rodent! You should know that without my blabbermouth saying a word! Why in the name of pink scissors (ok,that's just so unnecessary, pink scissors) do I have to throw it at you? You should know that!

You think I'm fine and happy with what I'm doing? well, think again.

What you see is not always what it seems idiot!

oh well, sitting by this window.. I just saw rays of sun peeping through.. Umaga na pala.. >_<

If I quit this, I'm not gonna be a loser.

Yey! Two days and still counting \m/

Two days of living a semi-healthy life. For two days, I already saved 32.00 (man,it's not that big but it's still 32.00 duh!)

Two days since I decided to stop smoking. Two days full of people pestering and tempting me to smoke which I constantly decline.

They all ask the same question. Why? Til when?

Why? Because I became fully aware of the status of my health. Because I just realized that my body deserves to be nicotine-free. Because I need to stop my lungs ~and money~ from burning. Cos I don't wanna die because of lung cancer (or being guilty that I cause lung cancer)

'Til when? Well, as long as I believe in what I can do, I know I can hold on to it. I made the promise, I'll keep it.

Way to go! Save your lungs! Save the world!
(it sounds silly hahaha!)

That's it watchamacallit! 0_o

instant rewind

Ok..so let us have a quick review of what happened after 2008 ~i'm not sure if you really wanna know but i'll share it anyway ^_^

January
*it was actually the month of revelation, acceptance and survival ~pain was still freshly baked~

February
*some complicated and big decisions were made. Some changed my POVs. Some made me stronger. This is the month of forgiving and somewhat forgetting (it's really hard to just let it slip away, trust me)

March
*ok fine. You may call me a masochist, a martyr, a woman who wants to take it all and what not but it's really hard to make a firm, honest and unselfish decision if you have to consider a lot of people and things *shout DARNA til fade*

Trust me, I tried hard to be proactive and follow my initial reaction but giving up and sending everything back to wherever they came from is not a wise move. I am not a quitter. Though I saw a microscopic chance of having everything work out fine I still placed my bet in that game called quitter-loser *a game that I surely know how to play * I decided to get additional job ~now I'm starting to wonder, Darna's blood is really running through my veins~ It was fun though. More work, more pay, more happy days!

April
*everything seems to be working fine ~told ya~ a little petty quarel in here and a bit of sweet nothing in there is not bad at all ~really now~ I became expert in doing that wooza thing ~breathe,slowly exhale as you say wooza~

It's a must-try. It works especially if you're loosing your temper and/or trying to snatch yourself back from the devil. Trust me *ok, I'm saying trust me too much I feel like promoting that *thingy* out there

May
*Still doing great almost perfect without those 'god why me' moments. Proved that money can really make you happy. Without it, you're doomed man. Well,so much for the long wait, I was promoted ~yey~ . It's still a sweet life after all.

June
*ok, by now I can strongly say, life is great. Too much of something is bad enough ~ok,where did that come from spice wannabe?haha~ umm,yeah, as I was saying, too much of something is bad enough. I'm getting a little scared because we're sailing so smooth and everything is pink and red. All this bittersweet moments turned me into someone I really didn't imagine I can become.

that was it! I'll keep you posted.

See ya!

starting over..

Haha! Found it. I created this page a year ago (not long enough huh) and I just realized how busy I have been that I wasn't able to keep it updated. My first entry was created April 27, 2008 and guess what, that was also the last ~arg~. I also decided to scratch that out cos it only reminded me of how stressful my life was in 2008.

Well, time to move on. I'd like to start over and leave everything behind. 2008 was so difficult. A lot of tears were shed. I cursed silently out of hatred, anger and pain. Someone was wounded. Someone held responsible for that wound. It was a nightmare. I know it could have been happier and better if I only did my best not to let it happen but I never really thought it could happen to me, to us. I felt really hopeless and miserable. I have never seen the worst in me until 2008 came in. I hate it. I really do and I'm gonna say it again. I hate it. So much for being miserable.

But hey, I just woke up from that nightmare and learned from my mistakes. Letting go is really hard to do and doing it all by myself made it harder. Giving someone another chance might be too risky but being very stiff and unforgiving sounds wicked *confuse*

So here I am, moving on, trying to put everything back to place. Life has never been better until I learned to forgive everyone, forget everything and accept my faults. Everybody deserves second chances anyway..