Patience? What's that?!

Again?! How many times do I have to be upset for you to stop doing things that annoy me? How many times do I have to remind you about the things we need to do for us not to fight? I don't want to be a monster just to make this work for us. I'm trying hard to be calm and laidback but things keep going crazy and nasty because we are so inconsiderate and careless. For once, can we atleast try to be sensitive? Enough to see what's happening around us? You're not selfish, I know that and you're definitely not a child anymore. You understand the consequences of everything you do. But sometimes you tend to do things without considering other people. I don't wanna put all the blame on you. I have my own faults too. I also make mistakes. The only differece is that I make sure I learn from them. I try not to commit the same mistakes cause I know how it's gonna be if I do it again. We argue over the same matters. Aren't you getting tired of these? Cause I am. I'm tired of fixing things for them to work better. I'm tired of letting you do this to me. Whatever's left of my patience is running out so fast. We can't be like this forever. I'm getting so fu*king frustrated.

I am.

random thoughts

* i so love shura, the character from soul calibur
* i really really hate my boss..just because I'm practical doesn't mean I'm lazy no!
* i love my friends (...)
* i miss adrielle
* i want something salty (like potato chips!)

that's it for now..hasta la proxima vest!

Thinking

I'm running out of..

1. Energy- tired and underpaid..geez!
2. Patience- what's taking it so effing looongg?!
3. Reasons- why do I have to work this hard anyway? As if somebody cares.
4. Motivation- I'm just holding on because of my friends who aro oh so funny. Plus the belief the that I am not a quitter.
5. Hope- insensitivity + negligence = disappointment

I have lots of..

1. Things to do- which will eventually make my energy drop to -x ft. below sea-level.
2. Laughters- thanks to my friends. =)
3. Plans- business? check! out-of-town? check! VLs? check! wicked plans? double check! Hahaha! (insert devilish laugh here..)
4. Expectations- which are still expectations.
5. Faith- that will never be gone.

Ok, while I'm writing this, I feel so sick and my back aches really bad. I can hear my self shouting for rest and sick leave. I'm planning to use 2 or 3 of my VLs but I can see things piling up on me once I get back to work. So dismiss that makhi. I also have to attend this training-for-the-trainers thing that I can't afford to ignore. One of the agents started on me again with his controversial attitude problem which an additional burden. I just hate him. I'd rather work with a demotivated person than handle someone like him. I just hate him. He thinks I'm a bitch, sure I am. I don't like him. That's all I know.

Sometimes, I can't help to ask the one up there why I have to go through all this and I just heard him reminding me not to question his will and that just shut me up.

Maybe I should be thankful because these trials and hardships actually made me stronger. I was never this brave to face the demands of life. To welcome all the challenges with open arms. Haha, very splendid (geez, does someone actually use that word?haha!)

Anyway, we're up to something really really great. Can't wait to start ahead.

That's all for now. Hasta la proxima vest.

Now, I am challenging myself to see how far I can go. If this determination and the willingness will take me somewhere. What would happen if I give my full trust to you, you who once betrayed me. You who once controled my life. What will I get if I start believing in you who's good at lying. If I keep my eyes shut and zip my mouth, will you notice my silence? Will you be so curious enough to ask why I'm not opening my eyes? If I stop hating myself and give this heart a chance to be free from hatred and vengeance, will you stop giving pain and sadness? If I stop asking for things you can't do and just embrace that you've got nothing more than that, will you start to appreciate me for what I am? If I promise to take care of myself, are you going to take care of me as well. If I stop treating you like a prince, will you learn how to do things without my help? Let's see.

I just hope you can do these things while I'm still here. Cos when I'm gone, I'm not gonna try to find my way back to you.

rainy days are over..perhaps

I hate rainy days. They only make me feel bored and lazy and sleepy.
Today, the sky finally stopped crying. Welcome back sunshine! So there..

Got a lot of things to do, so little time I have. Things kept piling up on me as if I am a workaholic-superwoman (..) oh and I almost forgot, i have some important things to do..enough with this entry..

ciao!

13

Ok. So I'm wearing a skirt and a nice top and the least thing I wanna happen just happened. I don't know who's to blame, I'm on my way to work and I was just walking *trust me I was, ok I was kinda walking-running* and two seconds later I was kissing the ground. Literally kissing the ground. How's that for SHAME and HUMILIATION. One second later I was able to be on my feet and started picking up the shattered pieces of my pride. STUPID was written all over my face. Ok, so much for interruption, I went ahead as if nothing happened. The pain of embarrassment was greater than the wound. Oh crap. I got an ugly wound on my left knee. I tried to tolerate the double pain and pretend that everything's ok until I felt something's coming out from the wound *not a carabao thank god* but blood. Oh great! I panicked and I mean really panicked. I can't stand the sight of blood,even my own blood. Anyway, I was able to get inside the office though I felt so devastated, thinking why the world hate me today. I immediately asked our guard if our nurse is in. Great! altleast it's not really bad after all. So I went to the clinic and asked for band-aids. I heard the word that made everything fall into pieces again. NO. N-O. Why in the name of an ugly wound didn't this clinic have a band-aid???!!!! But we have some cottons and alcohol. Ok, drink the alcohol and eat the cotton you monster!!!. I don't like those things touching my precious wound.

I stepped out from that creepy room just before the nurse pour the alcohol all over me. God why me? Why do I have to experience this??!!

Then I saw the calendar and got my eyes focused on that gigantic number.

It's July 13.

13. Crap.

What the-?!

*My name

Small an dark. It was a surprise to know that a certain site already provided the meaning of my name. Well atleast it would be lot easier for me to answer when somebody asks what my name means. Small and dark is way shorter than saying that it was the name of an Italian leader of the Focolare Movement for Virgin Mary (whew). I'm just wondering why my name is always associated with dark. I remember hearing someone pronounced it as KIRARA. Didn't see that TV series (as they said) but they were talking about this dark skinned, curly hair little girl with lots of issues with her life. So I always have to correct them with their "bad pronounciation" and I mean A.L.W.A.Y.S. My name is K-H-I-A-R-A. Small? yes. Dark? kinda. With dark side? Definitely.

I'm so...

Ok. Check this out.


Am I asking for too much
for you to close your fist
do i have to be on my knees
or shed a lot of tears

I'm only asking for some care
and for you to see my worth
is it too much for you to give
these things I'm asking for

i need some of your attention
just ask me if I'm okay
a hug, a kiss is not too much
just to complete my day

why can't you wipe away my tears
when I'm hurt or when I cry
is it too much for me to ask
if I want you by my side

wrap me in your arms
when I'm cold or I feel scared
stand by me or just stay close
when I need you to be there

shower me with compliments
when I'm wearing a nice new dress
or just show that you are proud
when I'm giving all the best

tap me on my back
when I did something great
just pretend that you didn't see
the stupid mistakes I make

am I asking for too much?
Tell me so I know
cos if it's really hard for you to do
I'm willing to let you go..

Whatjathink? Sounds KSP to me (You, who wrote this, just in case you're reading my blog. I'm sorry but I really have to say that.) But hey, I abso-bloody-lutely become KSP when I think I'm not getting enough attention.

So there, I'm KSP too. It's not really too much to ask for something you deserve. You work all day, you deserve to rest. You feel sleepy, you have the right to sleep. See? That's what I'm trying to say.

So anyway..can't get over this poem.. and I think I know who wrote this..hohum!

Why Am I Happy? Why not?

I'm happy because..
1. I'm wearing a nice top today.
2. Everyone noticed the nice top I'm wearing =P
3. I had enough sleep.
4. My back is aching no more (since yesternight)
5. My boss is sooo friendly..and it bugs me.
6. I found the simpliest, easiest, fastest, most effective way to do these reports without sweating too much (talk about PRACTICALITY)
7. I simply kicked someone's ass today and it felt sooo good.
8. I love that look. So pathetic (lalala)
9. Learned another italian word today: RAVIOLI (wanna check it out?)
10. I was able to grab a quick bite of choco chips (yummilicious!)

Why I'm not happy?
1. Because my back starts to ache again (friggin' reports!)
2. Still not getting any word from that super-insensitive-freaking-rodent (yes that's you boomerang!)
3. The weather is just like me, very confusing.
4. I wanna go home. I just can't.
5. December is still a looong run.
6. My ever-loyal, fabulous, superb, priceless pen is missing (where the heck is it?!)
7. The person who last borrowed my ever-loyal, fabulous, superb, priceless pen is also missing (hmmm)
8. I don't have any other pen to use (that has the same quality)
9. I'm writing non-sense here.
10. I just can't think of anything to write on this number.

Signing off.
See ya!

You. Yes you.

I worked so hard to earn this position. I presented all the evidence that I deserve this title. I am eager to put a positive impression just to show you that I can do the job perfectly. But just because you know I am flexible and I learn things easily doesn't mean you can have me do anything you want me to do, anytime, anywhere, in any way whatsoever. You can't turn me into a slave just because I'm more than super ready to give a hand.

I am JUST there to help. To make things work easier for you. To lessen your load. I did and keep on doing everything because I can physically and mentally help. But you forgot, oh no, you intentionally didn't even say thank you. Did you even realize my worth? No. Did you even see any difference when I'm not around? No. Did you even appreciate all the effort and feel the actual pain you're giving me? Hell no! Na-a. Negative.

If I only saw this coming, I could have been more stiff. I should have not aspire to be more than what I am. I could have been a sloth little bitch who goes in and out without saying hi to you. But that's just not me. I don't want people to underestimate me. I don't even wanna see them looking down on me thinking that is all that I've got. I am born to move mountains (yeah dude! for real) I am so used to atleast trying to go beyond what is expected. The least thing I wanna do is to kiss somebody's ass just to recognize me. Just so you know, I am not a robot. I get tired too. I also limit myself according to what I can and cannot do. Do you realize that? No. I don't think you understand the word 'human' at all.

I know, as a line trainer, I should expect stress at this level. I have additional responsibility more than what I used to have. I'm not complaining about that. I am embracing that reality. I just want you to open your teeny-weeny gory eyes and check if I am still okay. I just want you to see my worth. I just want you to stop abusing my silence.

Why can't I say this to you? Because it's all under your nose you freaking rodent! You should know that without my blabbermouth saying a word! Why in the name of pink scissors (ok,that's just so unnecessary, pink scissors) do I have to throw it at you? You should know that!

You think I'm fine and happy with what I'm doing? well, think again.

What you see is not always what it seems idiot!

oh well, sitting by this window.. I just saw rays of sun peeping through.. Umaga na pala.. >_<

If I quit this, I'm not gonna be a loser.

Yey! Two days and still counting \m/

Two days of living a semi-healthy life. For two days, I already saved 32.00 (man,it's not that big but it's still 32.00 duh!)

Two days since I decided to stop smoking. Two days full of people pestering and tempting me to smoke which I constantly decline.

They all ask the same question. Why? Til when?

Why? Because I became fully aware of the status of my health. Because I just realized that my body deserves to be nicotine-free. Because I need to stop my lungs ~and money~ from burning. Cos I don't wanna die because of lung cancer (or being guilty that I cause lung cancer)

'Til when? Well, as long as I believe in what I can do, I know I can hold on to it. I made the promise, I'll keep it.

Way to go! Save your lungs! Save the world!
(it sounds silly hahaha!)

That's it watchamacallit! 0_o